The E-Men's Big Ride
1
"We need a case, guys." Ervin Pike paced the large room set aside for the company business. "We're almost broke again."
"Equipment costs, Erv." Ernie McGiver twisted the screw on a device he had secured to his work desk. "Plus our bills need to be paid if we don't want to be put on the street."
"Living on the street is bad, Ervin." Earl Bucky bounced on his gigantic feet. He filled up a significant part of the room with his bulk.
"I know, I know." Pike glared at his comrades. "We need a case to make our living. Maybe we should put up advertisements around town. We can do the same thing people do when they lose their dogs."
"That sounds like something." McGiver looked up from his device. "Where will we get the paper to make these posters?"
"We can recycle, Ernie." Earl danced in place, clapping his hands. "We can use old cardboard."
"That's right." Ervin snapped his fingers. "We can get some from the compactor behind the grocery store."
"We do need the business." McGiver stood up, pushing his goggles back on his forehead. "It couldn't hurt to post something up around town."
The bell rang. All three men looked up. Pike started grinning.
"We got one." The short Pike ran for the stairs, taking them two at a time with the help of the handrails.
"We got one, Mickey." Earl rushed after the smaller man on his tree trunks of legs.
McGiver looked around the workshop. He pulled off his work gloves and headed up the stairs. He couldn't work without parts. For that he needed the money.
Freelance adventuring was good when it paid.
It was the lean times that made things hard. Ervin would do anything to chase a buck. That meant he would accept any risk for their small firm. That made things dangerous for the three of them.
Chasing a sea serpent was one such venture that came out of one of those boredom spells.
Ernie caught up with his two partners just as they reached the door to the outer room. He flipped the screen on. A young lady stood outside their door. She looked around furtively.
"A damsel in distress, boys." Ervin rubbed his hands together. "She looks ripe for the plucking."
"Don't get too excited." McGiver flipped the switch to open the door. "This might be a charity case."
"Say it isn't so." Earl looked aghast at the thought.
"That's right." Pike frowned. "We're not doing any more charity work after that thing with the church."
"You burned the church down." Ernie stepped into the fake outer office. Everything looked in place. He activated the jammer in the light switch.
"Sure." Pike jogged to the outer door. "Hold that against me."
"You lost your eyebrows." Earl smiled, rubbing the bridge of his nose with a finger.
"Very funny." Ervin glared at his two comrades. "I seem to remember someone got thrown through a stained glass window, and someone else got buried in concrete. Thus, my backup left me in a situation."
"Guilty, Erv." Ernie had suffered numerous cuts from the stained glass when he flew through it.
"My bad, Erv." Bucky looked down at his big feet. He had been slammed so hard that he had dug into the floor and been stuck for precious moments.
"That's what I thought." Pike opened the door. The young lady looked surprised by his sudden appearance. "Ervin Pike. How can I help you?"
"Is this Problem Solvers?" The lady looked inside the wide room that had been converted from a garage. "You don't look like much."
"Why don't you come in and sit down, miss?" Ernie pulled out a chair for her to sit down on. He raised his eyebrow at his slowly steaming comrade. "What's your problem?"
"There's a vandal in my neighborhood." The young lady sniffed slightly. "I want you to stop him."
"Sounds like a police problem." Ervin looked down at his fingertips. "I don't see how we can help you."
"They're no help." The woman looked down at the floor. "It's a ghost."
"We definitely can't help you." Ernie grabbed her arm to usher her out. "I'm so sorry we wasted your time."
"Wait, Ernie." Pike's eyes fairly glowed at the thought. "Did you say a ghost? Tell us some more."
Earl and McGiver looked at each other. The big man shrugged. The other looked up at the ceiling. Here comes another wild chase in the night with torches and pitchforks.
"This ghost rides up and down our neighborhood on a motorcycle. He has been leaving these drawings on the sidewalk. We want it to stop." The woman looked at the three of them. Only Pike seemed interested in her story.
"What does this ghost look like?" Ernie couldn't help the sarcasm. It just flowed like water from his lips.
"He looks like a bike rider on fire, with metal and chains." The woman gestured to indicate size. "He looks really tall and broad."
"Do you mind if we talk this over?" Ernie gestured his comrades together in Earl's corner of the room. "I say we turn this woman over to the crazy squad. All in favor?"
"I agree." Earl looked over at their guest. "She's crazy."
"Guys, even if this chick is nuttier than a fruit cake at Christmas time, we can't turn her down." Pike grinned at his friends. "We're broke and we need the money."
"We can put those posters out." McGiver bowed his head. "All right, let's get this over with."
"We'll solve your problem." Ervin grinned at their newest customer.
2
The Problem Solvers arrived at their client's house two days later. Pike grinned at the big house surrounded by a brick wall and iron gates. The expression on his face said the sky was the limit.
Earl raised his eyebrow to his forehead. He danced on one foot.
"Big house, guys." The big man looked up at the house.
"Where should we set up?" Ernie looked around the inner courtyard through the gate. "I don't see a place we can use for a mobile command."
"We'll ask Mrs. Grip." Pike smiled. "She wanted us here to deal with her biker ghost."
"This is all preposterous." McGiver rang the doorbell next to the gate. "Probably some kid playing tricks."
"Who is it?" Mrs. Grip's voice issued from the speaker over the bell button.
"It's the Problem Solvers, Mrs. Grip." Ervin Pike spoke over his friend. "We're here to get a look at things before we set up."
"I'm so glad you're here." The gate started opening. "I'm letting you in."
"Let's get in there and set up." Pike waved to his friends. "The faster we bust this ghost, the faster we get paid."
"It's probably a prankster." McGiver followed his two companions through the gate. "We'll need some kind of cover for the van."
"Let's look around first, brainiac." Pike led the way to the front door.
Mrs. Grip came out on the short steps to greet them. She wore a blouse and jeans. She tried to smile at the three of them as they ambled across the wide court of a driveway.
"We have some gear we're going to have to unload, Mrs. Grip." Pike put on his biggest smile for his client. "I'm going to need you to show me where this vandal does his thing."
"Are you sure?" Mrs. Grip rubbed her hands together. "Follow me."
Mrs. Grip walked down the steps. She turned and headed around the house. Pike followed with a careful eye on his surroundings. They crossed a tennis court, a concrete apron around a pool, and a garden path before reaching a back wall. A small gate went in the wall to allow access to an alley behind the house.
"This way." She pulled the gate open and stepped out in the alley. She pointed.
Ervin scratched his head. Lines decorated the walls behind the house. He ran a hand along the furrows as he eyeballed the bricks. The writing was about five feet off the ground from the looks of things.
"Is there more than this?" Pike looked around. He didn't see anything, but that didn't mean anything. He would have dismissed the writing on Mrs. Grip's wall as random features if she hadn't pointed it out.
"They are all over." Mrs. Grip pointed to various places along the alley. "I have tried to get pictures and the police to stop this. They were useless."
"I need to get my team to look at these." Pike frowned. "We'll have to park in your driveway so we can set up."
"Of course." The woman frowned at the smaller man. "What do you think?"
"I think you have an unusual problem and solving unusual problems is my job." Pike smiled to butter her up. "Let me get the guys on this."
"Of course." Mrs. Grip walked back to the gate and headed toward her house.
Pike walked the alley. All the marks were above a certain height. That made their quarry a tall man. Maybe he was riding something. He needed to get McGiver to look at this. The writing went from one end to the other. Why did it do that?
"What's the problem, Erv?" Earl loomed over the small gate, looking out in the alley.
"I don't know, Earl." He glanced up at his partner. "This is looking like a weird one."
"They're all weird, Erv." Bucky retreated from the gate with an abrupt about face.
Erv shrugged. The big guy seemed slow, but he always seemed to be right too. What were the chances of that?
Pike headed back to the front of the house. Ernie was the brains of the outfit. He would know what the graffiti meant, or know someone who did. As a calling card, it was a specific thing that could be tracked down.
Something was up with that. He didn't know what, but he had that feeling. Earl was definitely right. This was another weird case in a long line of weird cases they had dealt with over the years.
Ervin reached the front of the house. Ernie had pulled the van in next to the wall as partial cover. He already had camouflage curtains sprung out to deflect attention from their command center. He agreed with the thought. There was no point in letting everyone know they were there before they were ready.
"There's writing all over that alley, Mickey." Pike gestured over his shoulder. "I can't read it. We might need to decipher it to get a clue on who's doing it."
"I'll get pictures after I set up a camera network." Ernie opened the back of the van, pulled open the chest for his tools. "I'll need some help with this."
"We'll help you, Mickey." Earl smiled. "What can I do?"
"Carry this, big guy." Pike stacked mounting racks in his friend's arms. "Got the cameras, Mickey?"
"Yep." McGiver pulled the case of cameras out. "How long do you think we have?"
"I'm giving us at least until the sun goes down." Pike pulled out a cable roll with a power cord on it. "He has to be doing that writing when everyone is asleep."
"Sounds good to me." The mechanic led the way around the back of the house. The other two followed a little more slowly.
The trio set up a ring of cameras on the top of the walls. McGiver took pains to try and disguise the settings as much as possible. A receiver was plugged into the power cord. The cameras connected to the receiver through thin A/V wires. A simple test told him that everything was working just fine.
They took pictures of the drawings. Mickey swabbed the cuttings with a q-tip and put the sample in a tube for later testing. He rubbed his chin at the carvings.
"This is weird." He took one more picture. "I have a feeling we have seen this before."
"I can believe it." Pike tried to look over his shoulder. "What do you think?"
"I can't place it, Erv." McGiver took another picture.
3
The three problem solvers watched the screens hooked to their cameras. McGiver chewed on a popsicle stick as he rested in a big chair they had commandeered from another room. This was his favorite part of their jobs.
"What do you think will happen when our vandal finds a piece of his writing missing?" Pike perched on a desk top. This was his least favorite part of the job. He wanted to chase problems, not wait for them to come to him.
"He'll be mad, Erv." Bucky chewed on a couple of strands of beef jerky like bubble gum. "He'll want to know who took his drawing."
"That's where we come in." The smaller man smiled. "We take him down when he shows himself. End of problem. We get paid. I like it."
"Unless he kicks our butts." McGiver watched the screens intently. "Then he finishes what he's doing. We don't get paid."
"I could use a cheerful outlook here." Pike looked at his design man. "The object is to catch whoever is doing this and take him. If anything else happens, there's going to be problems."
"I hear something." Bucky raised his hand for silence. "It sounds like a motorcycle."
"I got a light on screen." Mickey worked the controls on the cameras to try to get a better shot than the existing one.
"A guy on a motorcycle doesn't seem that bad." Pike tried to look over McGiver's shoulder. The taller man blocked his view working on the camera angles.
"He has a head made out of iron, Erv." The picture revealed a suit of armor on a motorcycle. The wheels of the machine smoked as he got off and headed toward the blank space in his design.
"Here's where we see how much of a pain this guy is going to be." Pike reached for the helmet that went with the protective gear designed by McGiver.
"It's going to be a lot." Bucky pulled his own helmet on over his big grin.
"You guys are being too happy about this." McGiver reached for his helmet. "He might wreck the neighborhood. You know the neighborhood where our client lives and is paying us money not to let get wrecked."
"Relax." Pike headed for the back door. "We won't let anything happen."
"We fight like rabid squirrels, Mickey." Bucky trailed behind their leader.
"That's what I'm afraid of." McGiver pulled on his own helmet as he followed his partners. He checked his tool belt as he went.
This was about to be messy. He didn't like messy.
Pike headed for the back fence. He hopped the gate in one move. He paused when he saw the knight throwing flame out of the alley from its head. Maybe confronting it was a bad idea.
"How's it going?" Erv decided on the friendly approach first.
"I'm here to bring destruction and death." The rider pulled out his sword. "No interference is allowed."
"I'm afraid that's all we do." Pike held up his hands. "We just want to talk. Why you messing up the alley?"
"None may question me." The knight advanced, swinging his sword in a circle. The blade caught fire as it rotated. "None may interfere."
"No cutting for you." Bucky sprang over the fence. He dropped down on the knight with a haymaker.
The armored vandal couldn't turn in time to stop Bucky's big fist. He took the hit on the head. The blow bounced him against the alley floor. The big guy landed lightly, ready to swing again.
"Good job, big guy." Pike made sure the blade didn't come near him with a hop back. "So what's up with all the writing?"
"And what does it have to do with death and destruction?" McGiver appeared at the gate. He worked the lock and stepped out in the alley. "I'm afraid we can't allow anything like that even if it's out of our job prospectus."
"Saving the world is pro bono for us, fire head." Pike nodded in his helmet. "We can't let you blow up our client's neighborhood, or anything next to it."
"You will pay for trying to stop my call." The iron horseman kicked out. Bucky staggered back two feet.
"I'm afraid not." McGiver pulled out an extinguisher from his back pack. He sprayed their enemy down with the fire snuffing chemical.
The knight's flame dimmed. The armor faded for just a second. The man underneath looked frightened and confused. Then the fire exploded back against the extinguisher. The knight got to his feet, his sword in hand.
"You three can't stop my mission." The iron horseman raised his hand. His bike caught fire and headed for him.
"We can stop your bike." Bucky caught the metal seat of the vehicle. He spun around and the iron horse flew out of sight.
"What you going to do?" Pike laughed at the iron knight. "You aren't riding out of here now."
"I will cut the three of you down." The knight swung his sword at Pike's head. The problem solver leaped back out of the way.
McGiver pulled out another gadget from his pack as Bucky charged in. The knight tried to cut the big man down. A hand caught the sword arm. The other banged against the iron head. The knight's free hand rocked Earl back and freed his hand for use.
"Eat magnetism." Mickey pointed his ray gun at the enemy. The iron horseman blasted through the alley fence, and into a neighbor's yard. "I shouldn't have done that."
"No kidding, brainiac." Pike rushed to the hole in the wood. "Next time, shoot him up in the air if you don't mind."
"It was an accident." McGiver ran over after him. "I wanted to keep my head on my shoulders."
"Smooth move, Ex-lax." Bucky walked over behind the other two.
"Not you too, Earl." Mickey pulled a shield down over his eyes. They protected his vision from flares in the dark.
"You will not stop my mission." The iron knight appeared in a sudden blaze of light.
"Relentless." Pike jumped through the broken fence. "What is the mission? We can maybe help you out if the price is right."
"I am the herald of destruction for Pine Fork." The knight walked forward. "When I am done, the secret master will gain his prominence over the world again with this spot as his seat of power."
"I'm going to have to say no then." Pike smiled under his helmet's visor. "All my stuff is in Pine Fork."
"I have to agree." McGiver pointed the magnet at their foe. "Besides extradimensional incursions are always bad for the neighborhood."
"And monsters smell bad." Bucky cracked the knuckles on his hands. "No monsters."
"I will kill you three, then finish my mission." The knight looked at the sky. "Tomorrow night."
"How do you think you're getting out of here?" Pike looked around. "I don't think you can get past us."
"I hear a motorcycle, Erv." Bucky looked around.
The metal and flame bike crashed through a hedge from the front of the yard. It rolled to a stop next to the knight so he could get on.
"I will get rid of you tomorrow night." The iron horseman spun around and roared off towards the street.
"I told you weird, Erv." Bucky rubbed his hands together in glee.
4
The Problem Solvers gathered around the makeshift workstation McGiver had set up. They had spent the night trying to figure out how to stop their enemy. He certainly wasn't going to stop on his own.
"What do we have, boys?" Erv Pike bounced on his toes. Another day was another round of fees for their client.
'We might have a way to track our mysterious vandal down." Ernie McGiver pointed to several screens. "He radiated enormous heat last night. That will appear on a thermoscope."
"How can we use that?" The short man looked at the multicolored images. He scratched his head.
"We'll have to fly, Erv." Earl Bucky juggled several bowling balls away from the work station. He was close enough to see what was going on, and far enough away not to be able to touch anything without an effort. "We can follow him from the air."
"That might work." Pike stared at the map of the area. "We'll have to catch him close to his home base if we want to keep him out of the neighborhood."
"More importantly, we'll have to keep him from finishing his drawing." McGiver looked at the various sections they had taken out of the larger diagram. "I am certain he is trying to cause some kind of rip in reality with these pictures and numbers."
"We'll have to keep him busy." Erv checked his watch. "He only has the time from sundown to sunup. That's why he was so antsy about trying to finish the picture. That's why he didn't stick around."
"That gives us an approximate time to set up." McGiver checked his own watch. "The videotape we shot showed that he approached from the west. He might live in the neighborhood."
"He rushed out of here awful fast." Pike nodded. "How do we do the flyover?"
"I have the one man chopper tucked away." McGiver shrugged. "We put the heat camera on the belly and we're good to go."
"Sounds good." Pike clapped his hands. "Let's do this."
"Come on, Earl." Mickey waved his hand as he headed for the van. "I'll need your help to put things together."
"Right behind you, Mickey." Bucky caught each ball he had been throwing up in the air. He placed them gently on the room floor. He shambled after the gadgeteer with a grin on his square face.
"We taking you down." Erv looked at the footage from the night before as he leaned on Mickey's chair. "I don't know what you're trying to do, I don't know what the drawings have to do with it, I don't know why you're on fire. None of that matters. We're putting your lights out."
Erv thought about the two weaknesses they had used against the rider. The firefighting foam slowed him down until he reignited. The magnet gun had been good for keeping him off balance. More foam might put the flame out for good, but he doubted it. The magnet could be used to keep him away from the alley if it was juiced enough.
Some heavy duty munitions would be great, but also wreck the neighborhood if they missed. And Earl could be a klutz if he slipped a gear while fighting.
The magnet and foam were the better options in his book. He needed to ask McGiver for a magnet gun of his own after they got done with the chopper.
He planned to take the sections of the drawing they had confiscated and bury them in different places under things that no one would be able to get to bring them back together. That should take care of that part of the problem.
There was no point in trying to stop the knight if they let someone else put everything back together after they left the neighborhood.
Who knows what would happen if they left it? He wasn't ready to trust others to leave it alone.
Erv headed outside. Mickey didn't like him looking over his shoulder when he was putting together some weird invention, but he couldn't stare at the video any more. He wanted action. Recorded television wouldn't get him that.
Supervising the chopper being put together would give him a certain satisfaction in moving forward even though he was merely waiting for his partners to get done.
Taking on the villain was more his line of work. Everything else was waiting for that moment to happen.
"How's it going, guys?" Erv stopped a distance away. He didn't plan on getting his hands dirty.
"We're almost done, Erv." McGiver held a scope in place under the seat of the one man whirlybird. "We're hooking up the thermoscope right now."
"I got this turning screw thing down, Erv." Earl took the mounting screws for the equipment and tightened them in their holes with his fingers. "We should be done in a few."
"Great." Erv went to the fence and boosted himself up to look at the ravaged alley. "This guy seems singleminded. He'll probably come in the same way he did last night."
"He'll probably also have the same amount of limited time." McGiver inspected the connections. "We can use that against him."
"Sounds like we have a plan." Erv smiled as he dropped to the ground. "Earl and I will keep him busy. When he runs out of steam, you follow him back home."
"My thoughts exactly." McGiver checked the flying machine for readiness.
"We'll need some of that foam as a distraction." Erv rubbed his chin. "I'll also need a magnet gun."
"I think I have some of the chemicals in the van." Mickey reached for his PDA. "I'll loan you my magnet gun. I don't have any parts for another one with me."
"I figured we could plant the fire extinguisher stuff on either side of the alley so we can cover him from both sides when he shows." Pike went to the gate. "We need to bury him to keep his flame down."
"Let me see how much I can whip up." The techhead started tapping on his PDA's face with a stylus. "Then I'll run some numbers for the best placement."
"We'll help you with that." Erv looked out in the alley. He could practically see the exploding clouds of foam doing their work.
"You can help with the trapping." Ernie headed for the van. "Not the mixing. Not after what happened the last time."
"I didn't know it would explode like that." Earl hopped on one foot. "It looked like a fluffy cloud."
"It felt like a glacier." Mickey shook his head. "I can handle this one alone."
"We'll be waiting for you so we can set things up to go." Pike stepped out in the alley. He rubbed his hands together. "We're getting paid tonight."
5
Keith Prince looked out the window of his house. He didn't know what was wrong. Every night, he seemed to be missing time.
He wondered what could be happening to him. Sometimes he awoke in his yard, on his back porch, once in his garage bent over his motorcycle. The problem had just started in the last few weeks. He had put off going to a doctor in the hope that it would get better on its own.
Maybe he had waited too long. Maybe he should have gone to a doctor the very first time he had started noticing the changes in his sleeping habits.
Last night, he had a crazy dream that he was fighting three guys in overalls a few blocks away. Then he had woken up on his couch. He decided he was in trouble.
He had called to make an appointment with a sleep specialist recommended by his doctor. The man had told him to hang on for another week. That was the first open space on his calendar.
Keith didn't know if he could wait that long. Something was dogging him in his sleep. He knew that. Waiting to see someone who may, or may not, be able to help him was not good in his opinion.
On the other hand, he didn't see how much choice he had. He had to know what was going on. Sleepwalking could be dealt with if it was found. If it was something more serious like a brain tumor, he needed to make sure of that so he could get it treated.
The idea of having something in his head gave him the creeps.
Keith heard chimes. He wondered what made them. He didn't have anything in his home that had a bell. He didn't even have a land phone that might ring.
Maybe one of his friends had left something behind that made that noise. He started looking through his house for the strange sound.
He didn't notice the fire bursting on his skin as he wandered room to room. Iron scales covered the flame in a suit of armor, but it still escaped the joints and open areas of the helmet that formed from his hair to cover his face.
Keith would wake up and wonder what had happened during his episode. The horseman laughed at the thought. Now he had to deal with his three irritating opponents in a fatal fashion so he could get back to work on his grand design.
His work would change the world for his master from beyond.
The horseman walked to where his steed waited. He had to get to work if he wanted to remove the obstacles to his plans and finish that night, or the next. He certainly couldn't let Keith discover what was going on.
He might take steps to interfere with the mission.
No matter what happened to the horseman, Keith couldn't be allowed to restrain him if he knew of the transformation.
He walked to the garage with heavy steps. His horse roared there on wheels of fire and sinews of steel like himself. He mounted and rode out with the knowledge that no one saw him doing it.
That was a benefit of his nature that he enjoyed more than the others.
He turned and headed for the alley. That was the perfect spot for his breach. He couldn't give up when he was so close to finishing. His host wouldn't have to worry about missing time after that.
The whole world would know about it when he was done.
The biggest obstacle in his way now was time and those three meddlers. As soon as he was done with them, the rest would be easy to take care of in the nights ahead.
He saw the start of his diagram. He knew the three E-men would be waiting in the alley for him. Their surprise was gone. How would they try to stop him now that he knew they were there and waiting for him to arrive?
His sword would help with that question.
The iron horseman rode into the alley with his sword held high. He wanted to conduct his killing with all the speed at his disposal so he could get back to his real work. Once he had made an example of the E-men, no one else would try to stop him.
He spotted the little leader of the group and smiled. This might be easier than he had thought at first glance. He looked around for the other two. He doubted they had left their mouthpiece to try and stop him singlehanded.
"That's far enough." The big mouth raised his hand. "We want you to stop your decorating."
The horseman paused on his steed as he looked the battleground over. This was a stall tactic. He knew that. Where were the other two?
The big one might be a problem with his prodigious strength.
"What do you say?" The mouthpiece didn't move any closer. "You can go decorate some other piece of property and we'll get paid. It's a win-win for both of us."
"Where are your friends?" The horseman glared at the smaller mortal.
"They're around." The E-man lifted a hand to indicate a vague area. "Do we have a deal, or what?"
"I don't think so." The horseman rode on the small man. He raised his sword for a killing stroke to the head. No modern helmet could stop his blade from slicing through anything in its way.
White foam covered his vision before he had crossed the space between the two of them. He felt his control slip as the fire of his skin and the heart underneath died down from the assault. He winced at Keith coming forward when he needed him to stay asleep in his own mind.
6
Ervin Pike grinned under his protective helmet. The firefighting foam had covered everything at the other end of the alley in a white sheet. That was more than enough to put out a man-sized fire.
Pike hoped that was enough. He didn't want to let their enemy getaway. They guaranteed stopping the vandalism. If they couldn't do it, he would have to give the advance back. He would rather chew through his own leg than do that.
"We're going to have to fight, Erv." Earl Bucky slapped a fist into his other hand as he hopped from one foot to the other.
"I really hope not." The short man pulled the magnet gun from its holster. It hummed as he charged it up for use.
The horseman appeared. The flames from his sword burned away the firefighting foam as he fought to get clear. He glared at the two problem solvers.
"We're fighting, Erv." Earl shambled forward, hands raised in front of him. He looked more like a bear in a costume than anything.
Pike pointed the magnet gun at their opponent. He paused. Where was the motorcycle?
The beast jumped from the cloud to land next to him. It turned, sweeping its flaming wheels at his legs. He jumped clear, cursing as he scrambled out of the way.
Earl didn't turn from his enemy. He had to get close to use his strength. He couldn't take his eyes off that blade. It would cut him to ribbons. Mickey's suits were good stuff, but he was sure they wouldn't take too much from a flaming sword.
"I'm tired of you three interfering with me." The horseman looked around. "Where is the third one?"
"Too late for that." Earl unloaded with a right. The horseman tried to block with his free arm and stab with the other. He couldn't stop the big man with one arm. He crashed into the alley floor with the hammering of metal on concrete and gravel.
"Evil motorcycles suck!" Erv unleashed the magnet gun on the machine in question. The vehicle flew straight up like a rocket.
"Look at that." Pike watched the comet tail disappear into the night sky.
Earl jumped out of reach of the sword as it cut at his ankles. The horseman tried to get to his knees to extend his reach. The strong man jumped on his arm to pin the flaming blade down. He needed that if he wanted to hammer his enemy into the ground.
"Get off me, oaf!" The possessed Keith grabbed his enemy's ankle with his other hand. He staggered the E-man back enough to free his sword arm.
"Incoming!" Pike ran from where he stood in the alley. His gaze was still upward.
Earl recovered his balance with a windmilling of his arms. He jumped back from the sword blade again. He needed to improve his reach. Then the weird motorcycle fell into his hands. He grinned.
"Eat buttered toast, Buckwheat!" The big problem solver swung for the bleachers with the motorcycle. The front wheel struck first, followed by the engine and gas tank. The iron horseman flew down the alley in a Babe Ruth home run arc.
"That's how we take care of business." Pike grinned as he joined his friend. "Nice one, Earl."
"I hate monsters, Erv." Bucky clenched his fists. "They eat people."
"I got no argument with that, big guy." The short leader tucked the magnet gun away.
"He's on the move." McGiver's voice in their ears made them both jump. "We didn't stop him, gentlemen. We put him off until tomorrow night."
"Natch." Erv ran into their client's yard to cross to where the van waited. "Let's track this bird back to his nest."
"The heat signature is strong and clear." Mickey seemed calm as he swept across the sky in his flying chair. "You might want to hurry in case something happens to it."
"We're heading out." Erv got behind the wheel of the van. He paused because he couldn't remember what had happened to the keys.
Where were they?
Earl pulled down the ashtray. The keys sat there. Pike grabbed and jammed them in the ignition while his partner finished climbing into the van and buckled his seatbelt.
"You think you're funny, don't you?" Erv pulled from the curb with a stamp of the gas pedal.
"Hilarious." Bucky grinned under his helmet.
"Funny as a rubber crutch." Erv turned into the street. "We're moving, Mickey. Give us something."
"The trail turns into a residential street about five hundred yards on your left." Ernie flipped on a light beam for a second. "Just keep coming. Look for a red SUV in the driveway next to the street."
"How the heck am I supposed to see what color a car is in the dark?" Erv leaned over the steering wheel, scanning the side of the road for anything that might fit the description.
"There it is." Earl shoved a pointing hand in front of his partner's face. "It shines."
"Move your hand, Forrest." Erv barely braked to make the corner. "Let's see if we can catch the flaming exhaler."
"Flaming wheeltracks, Erv." Bucky bounced in his seat with excitement.
"I'm driving, Earl." Pike slowed down. "Which house?"
"I don't see a flaming knight on a motorcycle." The big man scanned his side of the street.
"Neither do I." The driver slowed his vehicle more. He didn't want the guy to turn around and catch them unprepared in the van.
"The heat source is fading fast." Mickey turned on the searchlight again. The beam hit a house ahead of the van. "He went in there."
"Back off and land." Erv went over to the indicated house. He nodded at the prints in the driveway. "We're staking the place out."
"Why?" Earl waited by the van, hoping on one foot, then the other.
"Because I don't like the way this smells." Pike got behind the wheel. "Get in, will you? I don't want him seeing the van and getting wise."
7
The three problem solvers looked over the target house in the light of day. The neighborhood looked free of pedestrians. They would have to go in and look around once they were sure the house was empty.
"Why are we doing this?" Ernie McGiver tested some of his equipment to make sure the batteries were still good.
"It's either this, or we punch the bad guy in his secret identity when he doesn't look like the evil Black Knight." Ervin Pike growled at his partner. "Get a move on. We don't want to get caught."
"Will be here when you get back." Earl Bucky sat in the seat next to the monitoring equipment.
"Don't touch anything." Pike and McGiver jumped out of the side door of the van. "Call us if something looks out of place."
"I'll be a good lookout, Erv." Bucky smiled at the short man.
Pike slammed the door shut. He gestured for McGiver to hurry as he jogged across the lawn of the target. A search should give them something they could use. This guy wasn't turning into a monster by accident.
"Open the door, Mickey." The mastermind paused on the short stoop to the front door, looking around. Everything looked quiet.
"Hold on." McGiver pointed a small camera at the driveway. He took pictures of a trail of scorch marks on the concrete. "Tire tracks matching a burning motorcycle right there."
"No surprise there after what we saw last night." Pike grimaced. "That's why we're here."
"Keep your shirt on." Mickey walked up the two steps to the door. "Evidence collecting needs to be done carefully."
"We are conducting a crime." Erv smiled. "You might want to hurry before we're caught and turned in."
"Calm down." The gadget man pulled a key gun. He worked the lock on the door knob in three seconds. Then he unlocked the dead bolt. He tried the knob. The door swung open. "Shall we?"
"Right behind you." The two stepped into the house and shut the door. "I don't see an alarm."
"There isn't one according to this." Mickey indicated a small screen on his wrist. "I'll take the bedroom and such. You take the kitchen and living room."
"Got it." Pike headed to the right. He pointed a movie camera in front of him as he went. The recorder would catch anything he happened to miss.
McGiver went the other way with his own camera. He made sure to take several still pictures of anything that might be relevant. Something was driving the transformations.
He found the piece of rock a few minutes later. Etchings matched the drawings on the alley walls and floor. He took a picture. It couldn't be a coincidence. It almost never was in their type of cases.
Ernie checked the nearby paperwork. He found a receipt for the rock from a gallery. A little more digging said it had come from a consignment of found artwork in Turkey. He took pictures in case he needed to backtrack the rock.
Erv sometimes came up with some unrealistic demands. He had to be prepared just in case the big egotist wanted to see the house in question.
Ernie went over the rest of the room. He didn't expect to find much else. Maybe this Keith Prince knew what was going on, maybe not. He certainly wasn't stopping it on his own.
"I found the motorcycle." Erv peered into the room. "It's sitting in the garage like we thought."
"His trouble seems to have started when he received that rock over there." Ernie turned the scanner on the rock to get a reading before they left. "It got here three days before the vandalism started."
"Full moon, huh?" Erv turned and headed back across the house toward the garage.
"What did you say?" Ernie took several more pictures in a hurry as he followed his partner.
"A full moon happened that night." Erv paused at the door to the garage. "There's another one in a couple of days."
"Are you sure?" Ernie joined him as the short man pushed into the garage.
"Positive." Erv made a voila gesture at the bike. "I get the E-mail notice because of that werewolf thing."
"I should have known." Ernie took a reading off the bike. He shook his head at the traces that caused the meter to react. He took pictures of the bike and the tracks leading up to it from the garage door.
"You think he has to get done before the full moon?" Erv walked around the bike.
"It would make sense." Ernie put his equipment away in the bag strapped over his body. "We need to do more research."
"We need to find out before the full moon." Erv looked the garage over. "We need to talk to Janie Wood."
"Janie Wood is confined to Gordon Manor." Ernie froze in place. "We put her there."
"No worries." Erv headed for the front door. "We have free passes any time we want to talk to her."
"How did you do that?" McGiver checked the house as he passed to make sure everything looked undisturbed.
"She put us on the visitor's list." Erv shrugged as he opened the door. He checked for anyone who might be watching the house. He didn't see anyone.
"She put us on the visitor's list?" The tech man locked the door behind them. "I find that hard to believe after what Earl did to her doll."
"That's what I told the doctor." Erv shuddered. "I didn't tell him what Earl did to the doll."
"That was probably the best thing you could do." Ernie shook his head. "I hope Janie lost some of her creepiness since she was in the hospital. The doll was bad enough in my opinion."
"I doubt it."
8
Two of the Problem Solvers stood in the airlock leading to Janie Woods' cell. McGiver noted that none of the attendants entered the airlock with them. He was not happy about that.
"Are you sure we should be doing this, Erv?" Mickey looked at his shorter companion with doubt.
"It's either this, or we bust in and take the guy down with no way of stopping him for sure." Pike shrugged. "I'm not thrilled either."
The inner door opened smoothly. The two men stepped in the foyer to the real cell. Mickey was glad the person they were visiting had a partition of what looked like bulletproof glass between her and them.
Especially since Janie Wood had tried to dismember him.
He was less pleased to see she had a doll in her possession. That was bad judgement on the part of the doctors in his opinion.
Didn't they read the after action reports filed with the police?
"How's it going, Janie?" Erv smiled. "Thanks for seeing us."
"I'm going to kill you one day." Janie spoke in a monotone. Her hairless head was bowed. She clutched her rag doll to her chest. "I'll get out of here and kill you."
At least it wasn't wood like her original.
"I know, Janie." Erv smiled even harder in the face of the threat. "Until then, could you give us a hand?"
"Why should I?" Janie looked up. The blank expression on her thin face was like a mask for her eyes to glare hatred at the two men.
"Because you won't be able to kill us if someone does it first." Erv stopped smiling. "And we'll get Earl in here to talk to your new doll like he did the last one."
"You wouldn't." Janie clutched the rag doll closer to her chest like a mother protecting her baby.
"I'll do anything." Pike assured her. "If you help us, we'll take off. I'll send you some chocolates, or something."
"Allergic." Janie bowed her head. "What's your problem?"
"Show her the pictures, Mickey." Erv stepped back. He knew to take whatever she said with a grain of salt. She had tried to kill all three of them over a land deal. He doubted she would tell them the whole truth over something like this.
It wasn't her nature.
"We took these for a case." Mickey pulled out a binder from his bag. "As you can see, it is some kind of obscure symbology. We thought you might know what it means with your knowledge of the paranormal."
Mickey opened the binder and flipped through the pictures of the alley. He showed her the rock last. It was the same writing but arranged in a different way than the ones the hell knight had drawn with his sword.
"You have two spells working." Janie shook her head. "You guys are dead."
"I don't understand." Mickey looked at the pictures.
"The first set of writing-" Janie made quote marks at that with one hand. The other clutched the doll. "-is for a summoning. It's a big summoning from the looks of things. Maybe something in the leviathan class of things."
"That sounds bad." Mickey glanced over at his partner. His expression varied from billing the city for stopping a giant monster, and running for the hills.
"Let me define bad for you." Excitement filled Janie's monotone somehow. "We talking about something like a hundred Godzillas showing up at the same time. Good luck with that."
"What's the other spell, Janie?" Erv bounced on his toes.
"It's a simple possession spell." The inmate sat back. "It'll latch on to someone and open him up for possession from the other side."
"How do we stop these spells?" Mickey put the binder away. "We would like to save our client's neighborhood."
"You can break any summoning spell by erasing it." Janie drew in. "You have to make sure it's all gone. The possession is a little trickier. You have to beat the spirit out of the mark."
"Thanks, Janie." Erv smiled again. "What else can we get you beside chocolates?"
"Something to write with." Janie didn't look at them.
"That's a good one." Erv shook his head. "I'll send you a pizza."
"I'm going to get out of here one day, Pike." Janie glared at him again. "When I do, I will make you pay for what you three did."
"Stay in here, Janie." Erv smiled at her one more time as he headed for the inner door. "You got three hots and a cot. What more do you need?"
"Thanks for your help, Janie." Mickey tipped an imaginary hat as he turned to go. "I appreciate it."
"He's going to get you killed, McGiver." Janie clutched the rag doll tight.
He realized she had made it out of a sheet, or possibly her gown, as he paused just outside the airlock. He wondered if the doctors knew what she was really capable of even in the little space she was in.
He doubted it.
"I know." McGiver stepped in the airlock before the door started closing. "Take it easy."
"What do you think?" Erv bounced as he waited for the airlock to cycle open.
"She'll break out of her cell and kill everyone here as slowly as possible." Mickey looked at the inner door.
"Not that." Erv shook his head. "I'm talking about what she told us, buzzkill."
"That was the truth." Mickey turned his attention on the current problem. "I could see it in her eyes. She really thinks this will kill us if we don't stop it."
"Then let's have a talk with our possessed guy and take this knight thing down before it can get done." Erv bounced some more. "I have a feeling it's on a deadline."
"I'll have to think of some way to get rid of all those symbols." McGiver shook his head as they stepped out into the entrance hall. "That should be fun."
"You're the brains of this group."
9
Erv Pike decided the best thing to do was to confront the Knight and do what they could to hold him from the alley. Ernie McGiver had to clean the writing out so the spell couldn't be cast. They didn't know if it would go off if the spell was partially written.
Why take the chance?
The object was to make the Knight lose his window of opportunity. If they could do that, it might stop all the madness. Anything that made Janie Wood smile had to be bad in Erv's estimation.
And bad meant they weren't going to get paid.
And that was the worst thing of all to the E-man.
Erv and Earl Bucky parked across from the suspect house. They got into their overalls and equipment. They had to be ready for the bad guy getting ready to leave before Mickey was done.
McGiver had to clean up the strange writing any way he could. A leviathan couldn't be allowed to wreck the neighborhood. He had an idea of how to do what was needed.
He just needed time to put his machine in operation.
"Here he comes." Pike nodded to the owner of the house getting out of his car in the driveway. He pulled on his helmet. "Ready?"
"As ready as my name is Earl, Erv." The bigger man pulled on his own helmet.
"Then let's talk to this guy before he changes into his alter ego." Pike hopped out of the van. He trotted to the house's front door.
Earl followed in a slow lumber. Why rush to trouble was his way of thinking.
Pike impatiently knocked on the door. He wanted to talk to the guy and collect his fee. No way was he working for free.
"How can I help you?" The owner of the house opened the door a crack. He frowned at the short man and his big friend. He wondered what the E on the jumpsuits meant from the look on his face.
"I'm Erv Pike." Pike wondered if he had to kick the guy to open the door so they could talk with a semblance of reason. "We're here about your demon problem."
"I'm sure I gave at the office." The door tried to slam in their faces.
Earl slapped the door with the flat of his hand. The top quarter broke off and fell inside the entrance. The owner stumbled back.
"Let's try this again." Pike pushed the door open with his foot. "We know you're the guy. We got pictures and everything. We just want your other side to give it up."
"What makes you think I have anything to with whatever you're talking about?" The Knight's human side looked blankly at them.
"We know you're being possessed." Pike pointed to the rock they had discovered earlier. "We know that's behind everything. We just don't know how."
"You're crazy." The owner went to where a phone rested on a base. "I'm calling the police."
"The rock is glowing, Erv." Earl headed for cover on the other side of a couch. Pike dropped down beside him as flames filled the room.
"What's going on with this?" Erv covered his face with his hands as fire cut across the living room.
"Someone didn't like you applying pressure." Earl grabbed a coffee table and built their cover up a little more.
"Tell me about it." Erv took a chance and glanced over their shield. "We have to get him."
"Working on it." Earl grabbed the couch and flung it across the room. It exploded under the barrage from the rock.
"Where did he go?" Erv scanned the part of the house he could see. His enemy had vanished.
The sound of a motorcycle roaring away answered that question. Erv palmed his face. They woke up the evil side and he was going to finish the job earlier than he had appeared the other times they had fought.
"He's heading right for Mickey." Pike pulled out his radio. "Come in, E three. Can you hear me? Bring the rock, Earl."
"This is E three." Mickey's voice crackled. "I copy, over."
"He's coming right for you, Mickey." Erv ran for the van. Earl trundled behind him with the rock in both hands. "Get ready."
"Say again." Mickey's sounding worried cut through the distortion from the radio like a knife. "Say again. Over."
"He changed early." Erv got behind the wheel as Earl got in the passenger seat. The short man pushed the face of the rock to point out the window on his friend's side of the van. "He's coming to finish the job. Did you get that?"
"Oh, dear." Pike dropped the radio in a door pocket as he gave the key a twist. Mickey seemed to know what was about to happen. The other two thirds of the team had to get there to save the day.
"Drive faster, Erv." Earl hung his head out the window.
"I got the pedal down." Erv barely paused at a stop sign as he watched the road. "We need a better engine."
"We're too late, Erv." The big man pointed at a cloud of smoke heading up into the sky. "He's already carving up what he needs for his big fish."
"There goes our payment." Erv didn't slow down. He had to make sure the money was lost before he gave up.
"There's the Knight." Earl bounced in his seat. "Mickey is still alive."
"Better than that." Erv kept the pedal down. "We're still getting paid."
The van slammed into the burning knight and bike. Both flew from the impact. The knight looked irritated they had decided to use a vehicle as a blunt weapon.
"Get him, Earl." Erv jumped out of the van. "We can't let him get away this time."
"On it, Erv," The big man jumped out his side of the car. He ran forward with the rock in his hand. Apparently he had forgotten to let it go in his excitement.
Pike took a moment to look at the alley. A cloud covered everything in white. He wondered what Mickey had done to do that.
He hoped the gadgeteer hadn't blown everything up as the simplest way to handle things.
Erv put it out of his mind. He still had to deal with a dangerous fountain of flaming death. He would check the alley later to see if it was still standing after the fight.
Earl and the knight danced around. The knight swung his sword. The E-man ducked back out of the way. They turned a complete circle in this fashion.
"It's over, pal." Erv stood off to one side. The last thing he wanted was to get physical. "We got the rock, we got the alley, we shut you down. Give it up before I get dangerous."
"Do you really think you can stop me?" The knight paused. "I can kill all of you at the snap of my fingers. Give me the plate and walk away before I get dangerous."
"Give him the plate, Earl." Pike's expression was flat.
Bucky swung the rock like a fan. The writing smashed against the helmet of the knight. It rang from the blow. The stone rectangle cracked apart. Another swing blasted it to pieces. The knight fell to the ground, unable to stand.
Pike pulled a canister from his belt. He pulled the tab and tossed it. Cold swept the possessing spirit in a snow and ice blanket. The mindless body remained after his flame went out.
"Bike, Earl." Pike grabbed the schmuck and pulled him clear in case the flame caught him up again.
Bucky pulled the top off another of the ice canisters and dropped it on the bike. The fire went out in the flash freeze.
"Who's more dangerous?" Erv shook his head.
10
Keith Prince struggled with something wrapped around his body. Where was he? What had happened? Who were those strange men with the helmets and uniforms with the E on them? Was he tied up?
Why was he tied up?
"How's it going?" The short guy crossed his field of view. It was one of the E-men. "Want a soda?"
"Why am I tied up?" Keith found that he couldn't move his head. Why was that?
"We didn't want you falling out of the chair if you woke up." The short guy drank some Coke from a plastic bottle.
"I don't have any money for ransom." Keith decided that if he could prove that he was poor maybe the short guy would let him go.
"We don't want your money." The E-man got behind Keith. A moment later he was installed in front of a set of monitors. The cameras on the other end looked out on an alley between two wooden fences.
"What do you want?" Keith stared at the alley. It looked familiar for some reason. "Why am I tied up?"
"Because you're a danger to the community." The squeaky voice moved around behind Keith. "We're trying to decide what to do with you."
"You're crazy." The captive stopped trying to shake his head when it wouldn't move.
"Do you think so?" The kidnaper stepped back into view. "Most people say that. I don't know why. I could understand greedy, bastardly, maybe even full of existential angst. I can't see crazy."
"Why not?" Keith tried to shake off the strange paralysis wrapping his limbs.
"Because you can't solve other people's problems if you can't operate on your own." The short man pulled up another chair. "I want you to watch this."
"Do I have a choice?"
"That's a good one." He typed in some commands on a keyboard that had been stored beside the monitors.
Keith watched in horror as a burning piece of metal tried to kill the short man and a small giant. The giant pounded on the burning thing with what looked like a tray of some kind. It came apart in his hands from the use as a blunt instrument.
The two men threw canisters at the downed flaming creature and his motorcycle. When the clouds cleared, Keith stared at himself laying on the ground. He stared at the screen because he couldn't move his head to look away.
"That's some trick." He closed his eyes. "I'm not a monster."
"We think you're possessed." The short man sat back in his chair. "The question is what are we going to do with you."
"What do you mean possessed?" Keith thought surely the video was doctored. Possession was an outlandish explanation for what he had watched.
"We're not sure." The E-man pulled out a shattered rock pile. "We think this is the reason why. Where did you get it?"
"I don't know." Keith looked at the rock pieces. "That was valuable."
"Not anymore." He put the tray on a desk. "You don't have a clue what the symbols mean?"
"It came in the mail for appraisal." The captive frowned as he thought. "I can't remember the name of the gallery now."
"We'll look for it." The short man waved a hand to someone Keith couldn't see. "If it's at your place, Mickey can find it. The gallery probably doesn't exist."
"It has to exist." He pointed at the rocks with a finger. "How else did I get that?"
"Someone sent it to you to make you a patsy." The short man smiled as he leaned on the desk. "How else would they get someone to volunteer for ending the world?"
"You're crazy." The insult lacked the full force of commitment. What if the crazy was right?
"In about eighteen hours, we'll see." The E-man shook his head. "You've been out for most of the night and day. Tomorrow is the last day according to our source. Once it's gone, so is your chance of summoning anybody. That is if our source is right. Otherwise, we might have to come up with another solution to the problem."
"You think I'm going to turn back into that monster?" Keith glared at his captor. "Do something."
"We are." The short man walked out of view. "We're going to hold on to you until after the dead line. If nothing happens, we'll release you. If something does, we're going to do what we can to save the neighborhood."
"What about me?" That didn't seem right to him. If he turned into a monster, what happened to his life? What happened to the side of him that wasn't a monster?
"Not my problem." The short man returned with another tray. This one had food on it. "We only fix one problem at a time. Our problem is the vandalism your alter ego has been doing. Once we fix that, you can hire us to fix your problem."
"That's cold blooded." Keith grimaced as the tray was put down on the arms of his chair.
"It's the company motto." The short man raised his hands as if holding up a giant sign. "We'll solve your problems first."
"Sounds cheesy." He looked down. "What's this slop?"
"Chipped beef and gravy." The E-man smiled. "It's Earl's favorite. He decided to share with you."
"Lucky me." Keith moved his hands. "How do I eat? Tied down."
"Ordinarily that wouldn't be my problem either." The short man smiled. "Lucky for you I have a soft side. Here's a straw."
He pulled the wrapper off of the straw and stuck one end in Keith's mouth.
"Good luck with that."
"I'm going to sue you when this is over." The captive's words were a little garbled by speaking around the straw.
"You have to be alive for that." The E-man smiled. "You better start hoping we're right and the deadline will pass and nothing else will happen. Otherwise, we might have to lock you away as a threat to society, and crazy on top of that."
Keith almost dropped the straw.
"You wouldn't dare." He couldn't stare at the man. His head wouldn't move to track him.
"I'll do anything for money." The man seemed to step out of the room.
Keith sipped at the gravy. It might have tasted better when it was warmer. He wondered how he had gotten into this mess. Maybe the short man was right. Maybe he had been used by someone to cause trouble.
What did it mean? He wasn't important. He had a niche job that anybody could do with the right training and a small amount of experience. Why go after him at all?
Who did he know that hated him that much?
He found that he had finished most of the plate without realizing it. He must have been hungrier than he had thought. He still couldn't figure out who would want to ruin him.
"How's it going?" The short man moved the plate. He took the straw and threw it in a trash can. "This is Mickey. Go ahead, Mickey."
"We found the receipt for the carving." Mickey was taller than the first man, thinner, festooned with tools. "The gallery denies sending you anything. They never heard of you according to the people I spoke with."
"What does it mean?" Keith looked at the two men. He knew the next hours could spell his doom.
"It means someone wants you dead as a doornail." Mickey scraped the plate. "We have to find out who."
11
The E-men spent the next eighteen hours preparing everything they could think of for the coming confrontation. They weren't sure they could trust Janie Wood's advice. That could get them killed.
Erv and Earl packed everything with unusual carefulness. Neatness wasn't their usual style. They just didn't want to get caught in a breakdown in the middle of a fight. They had learned their lessons about that.
Mickey loaded a tank with his fire extinguisher chemical. Only Earl had the bulk to carry it. He bounced when he tried it on. He almost pressed the hose trigger to try it out.
Erv stopped that with a sharp NO!
They chowed down before the deadline. Erv found it hard to run away when he was full. Earl was always hungry. Mickey needed something to take the edge off the fact that he only ate when he could.
"All right, guys." Erv geared up five minutes before the deadline passed. "Let's do this."
The other partners went through their checklists as fast as safely possible. They looked like mutant bug exterminators by the time they were done.
"What do you guys think will happen?" Keith struggled against the reams of tape that held him in his chair.
"We don't know." Erv and Earl started pushing everything back out of the way in case something decided to show up in the middle of their work space. "We're hoping that nothing happens. Then we can all go home."
"And if we're wrong, we're hopefully ready to deal with your evil side." Mickey didn't sound happy about being trapped with a potential monster. He checked his chronometer. "Two minutes."
"So what happens to me?" Keith felt kind of warm. The tension in the room was making him sweat.
"We don't know." Erv grinned. "That's where the fun part begins."
"I wouldn't say it's much fun for me." Mickey kept his eyes on his watch. "One minute."
"It'll be a blast, Mickey." Earl started bouncing on his toes.
"Only if we live, Earl." Mickey glanced over at his computers. He frowned. "It looks like something is going to happen."
"That's what we live for, guys." Erv got behind Keith. He didn't want to catch a flamethrower jet before the fight got started.
"That's what you live for, maybe." Mickey put the chronometer away. He didn't want it broken in the coming fight.
There was always a fight.
The fractured rock on its tray started glowing. The lines fizzed where they no longer met. Earl aimed his foam thrower at the thing. Erv ducked down behind Keith. Mickey pulled out a hand gun of his own design.
"Get ready for anything." Erv pulled out one of the foam grenades from his belt.
The lines died out. Keith started laughing. The E-men looked at each other. Maybe there wasn't going to be a big fight after all.
Then the rocks exploded with pure flame. Earl dropped foam on the fire. He was too late. The room vanished as he pulled the trigger. The spray doused an area around them but the walls and ceiling disappeared in a sky of flames.
"Who didn't see this coming?" Mickey looked around. "It looks like we're wherever the knight came from in the first place."
"That doesn't help." Erv straightened since he couldn't use Keith as cover from all sides.
"Lot of fire, guys." Earl shifted the hose back and forth.
"Don't worry about it, simpleton." Keith's voice drew their attention with its shifted bass echo. "You'll get used to it. You might even like it after a few centuries."
Keith caught fire. He burned away the chair he was strapped in and stood. Armor appeared over his fiery form.
Erv dropped the grenade at his feet and ducked. The white foam blasted the tiny island, and doused part of the sky. When it cleared, Keith was back to normal, but flat on his back. A small piece of charcoal lay beside him.
"That takes care of that." Erv pulled another grenade. "How do we get out of here?"
"You don't, human." The sky spoke from above. "You have defeated my agent, but you are trapped here. I will enjoy my revenge."
"Let's talk about this." Erv couldn't see anyone floating around up there. "We just want to go home and say job well done. I know you want to expand your shapeless form to other places, but could you pick some other dimension to do that?"
"Why should I do that?" The voice drifted closer. One of the red eyes revealed by that looked bigger than Earl. "Turning other places into my playground is my whole reason for existence."
"We'll give you a DS with some video games." Erv looked at Mickey. "That should kill some time."
"What is this DS?" The eye drifted closer. Erv was glad the flame obscured the rest of it. It had the potential to be an ugly sucker in more ways than one.
"Give it to him, Mickey." The short man gestured at his partner.
Mickey reached into his pack. He pulled out a case. He opened it to reveal the flip top and the games he had available.
"I only have about fifteen, twenty games." Mickey put the gun under his arm. He took a cassette and plugged it in. He flipped the switch. Mario hopped on the screen. "What do you think?"
"How does it work, human?" The eye concentrated on Mickey.
"Each game is different, but basically, you cut the power off. Then you plug whatever game you want in the slot. Then you turn it on and play. Some of the games have tutorials to show you how to get started. Then you practice until you can beat them with your natural skills." McGiver demonstrated his words, replacing Mario with Link.
"I find your trade acceptable." The voice snatched the DS and games out of Mickey's hands. "You may go home. When I have beaten every one of these games, I will begin my conquest of your dimension."
"No problem." Erv waved.
The room became normal as the voice began telling Link how foolish he looked.
"You owe me for the DS, and games, Erv." Mickey holstered the handgun.
"Bill me."
epilogue
Erv inspected his partners' handiwork. He pronounced himself pleased with their accomplishment. Keith Prince looked on with a vaguely worried look.
"So this is it?" He looked down on the short mercenary. "No more monsters?"
"I don't know." Erv smiled. "You might have what we call a chronic problem. If you start having blackouts again, let us know. We'll help you out."
"For a price." He was under no delusion that altruism played a part in their motives.
"We solve problems." Erv smiled again. "We don't solve them for free."
"So my house is fixed?" Keith walked up to the door.
"Mickey is checking the wiring right now." Erv looked at the checklist on the clipboard he held. "He found some things he wanted to fix to make things completely right after what happened."
"That's nice of you." The former Hell Knight spotted his bike in pristine shape after what they had gone through. He decided to sell it.
"Think nothing of it." The E-man tucked the list away. "The outside seems to be in good shape. We can check on the guys and see how much longer this will be. Remember if you have problems, call us right away. We might be able to negotiate for you."
"What happens when that DS runs out of power?" Keith stepped inside his house. "It looks almost exactly as it did. I'm impressed."
"We have two theories about that." Erv looked for his colleagues. "One is it will never run out of power thanks to where it is."
"What's the other?" Prince pointed the way to the fuse box toward the back of the house.
"That he will be mad that he ran out of juice and try to get even with us." Pike looked around the rest of the house as they walked. Everything looked neat as a pin. He needed to get Mickey to redo his house.
Keith took a moment to analyze what he had just heard. The man he was walking beside seemed totally calm about a monster from another dimension trying to get revenge for what amounted to a foiled invasion. He was crazy, or dumber than a box of rocks.
Maybe both.
The other two E-men ran instruments over the fuse box. McGiver ran an instrument over it. Earl held his tool box. Both seemed happy.
"How's it going?" Erv made sure to stay a safe distance from the wiring.
"We are done." Mickey gave him a thumb's up. "Earl was a valuable help."
"He always is." Pike said it in full sarcasm.
"I have only touched what I was told to, Erv." Earl grinned. "I did great."
"Thanks for repairing my house." Keith decided to cut in before they broke into their Three Stooges imitation. "I'm surprised you were done so soon."
"Nothing to it." Mickey put the instrument into his tool box before taking it from Earl. "I hope you have a good life now that your possession is over."
"Nice beating up on you, buddy." Earl grinned.
"Never mind him." Erv gestured for his much taller partner to get going. "If you need anything else, call us. We charge reasonable rates."
"What's the rate for possession by evil spirits?" Keith couldn't keep his eyebrows from rising.
"It varies with how much of a smackdown we have to put on the evil spirit." The E-man handed him a card and a laminated pricing guide from the clipboard. "Just don't let it go too long."
"I can't believe you have one of these." He glanced at some of the prices. "Your prices are really high."
"In this extraordinary world that we live in." Erv held up his hands for the quote marks. "You need extraordinary problem solvers."
"Thanks for the house fixing." Keith walked the mercenary to the door and gladly showed him out. "If I get into any more trouble, I will definitely call you."
Erv looked at the closing door with a grin and a wave. There goes another satisfied future prospect they had to beat into the ground first.
How do marketing phone guys do it all the time? He had to look into that to expand their business.
"Good job, guys." Erv got in the passenger seat of their van. "How much money did we make out of this, Mickey?"
"Enough to buy us some tacos from Taco Bell." McGiver waited until Pike was strapped in before starting the vehicle. He pulled away from the curb.
"Seriously?" The short E-man groaned as he slumped in his seat. "All that for practically nothing."
"At least we won't be out on the street." McGiver smiled as drove toward their favorite fast food.
"We need another job."